20130630-throw-yourself

Sigh. This is the fourth time this week someone told me so-and-so implied, “You’re throwing yourself at him.” Haha. I didn’t know I had so much time to throw myself at people.

I hardly go out. I stay in the office till wee hours every other day. I’d work 24/7 if I could. And if I had more time, I’d probably just spend more time working.

You’re still talking to me, so I can confidently say I don’t disgust you. If I’m actually throwing myself at you, something should already have happened, no?

Stop being delusional. Apart from V.T., and even for him I’m starting to neutralise, I have no strong feelings for any particular guy, nor “urges”.

If I have open conversations with you, you’re sista zoned (friend zone still has possibilities, sista has none).

Really, don’t bother. I have more feelings towards the less fortunate, animals and possibly gadgets/equipment than men. Clearly you folks aren’t garnering donations, right?

20130630-what-silly-people-do
Photo credit: timepass69.com

Silly people aside.

Been suffering enormous amount of stress. My therapist, says I need to release some frustration moderately to avoid blowing up like a nuclear bomb.

My pride and ego was extensively damaged during an incident. I basically hid myself in denial, unwilling to properly discuss the matter.

Apparently, admitting and facing my issues will help me recover faster. Writing helps me let loose, supposedly. I feel less incline to project a false front.

I fear sleeping. I fear having enter my subconscious mind where I have no control over my thoughts. Staying awake till exhaustion eliminate dreams altogether.

20130630-drowning

I’ve been drowning.

I thought too highly of myself, an elite. I work extra hard to achieve greater heights. I have something to prove, not just to others but also myself.

I’m working even harder now because… I fear being abandoned. I’ve grown to fear more than before.

I fear being too opinionated, yet fear losing my individualism. I fear being too capable, yet fear incompetency…

The word “fear” has become my greatest hindrance.

No one can excel in everything. A person’s capacity has limitations. That said, I believe in surpassing, pushing that limit/barrier. Contradiction.

I’m lost, waiting to be found.

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